Umm, I'm a little busy here

First things first -
Ex-Mom is going in for surgery today so I'm praying my little socks off. I'd be grateful for any well wishes and good thoughts you might send her way.

Now, an update of sorts...

I have 400 unread blogs in my reader. Y'all need to slow the hell down with the writey writey thing. I can't keep up.

I'm emailing/texting/talking/dating 4 guys at the moment... That's exhausting, let me tell ya! I've been out with 3 and I'll meet the fourth this week (Just first dates. I'm not a whore, honest). I like them all for different reasons. I'm hesitant with all of them for different reasons. BUT, I am having a blast... when I can remember which one I'm talking to. 1 plays guitar and has a hobby farm north east of here. One coaches football and has a custom built home with a hottub south west of here. One looks like he's 24 (only he's not, I swear. I checked his ID this weekend) and another rebuilds classic cars for fun. One was a stripper in his 20's and one served in the first gulf war. One has a beautiful blonde princess for a daughter and one has 2 GIANT greatdanes. One works for the state and two are self employed. Are you as turned around as I am yet?

Thing1's basketball is in full swing. School concerts are filling in the calendar and both Things seem to believe they should have a social life and a personal driver (me!).

Work is kicking my ass all over the place. My desk hasn't fully recovered from the seminar in Colorado but we've already had another one up north and plans are full swing for the international trip. On top of that we are recruiting for our next group!

Bring on the holidays. Who needs to sleep?

Days of Grace (I forget which number)

Recently I have been graced by:

YOU

Yes you!
You all rock. I have gotten so many emails from you all wondering where I'm at and if I'm OK. I assure you that I am here, alive and well. Things are just hunky dory. For some reason I haven't been feeling very writer-ish lately. I'm hoping that changes soon because I do miss you all.

Just a real quick run down on what I should be blogging about soon:
1. Buffett and I broke up and went to dinner together anyway
2. My new furry coat
3. I got to go to a taping of Oprah (yes, there were prizes!)
4. The British lady who made me hit a construction barrel
5. Dueling Pianos and the "blind" date
6. The guy who wanted to pay me to rub his body
7. The guy who really really really wants to hear my voice
8. Making random friends
9. The Things and crap this parenting gig is HARD.
10. The guy who looks 24 but isn't and has the most phallic last name ever.
(Phallic like COCK9INCHES phallic. Really, I'm so not kidding!)

SMOOCH! Love you guys!

Days of Grace 46: Weekend Goodness Recap

The weekend was full of goodness. Everything from a night chatting with my dear friend Ex around a bonfire (sometimes in the general drudgery of living and raising kids we forget that we actually like spending time together) to a cold windy soccer game to winterizing the garden. The highlight of the weekend though was definitely the corn maze. The Family Von Sass joined the Buffett Clan for the time honored Fall tradition of finding the perfect pumpkin and other silliness.

And introducing:

...

...

...

BUFFET

Finally Fucking Friday

Enjoy!

Sassy Gets Real

Some of you might be operating under the misconception that living the life of Sassy is all glamore and crazy hot sex. Sadly, today I'm here to set the record straight. Officially, I do more than just have crazy hot sex and it's not always glamorous.



Exhibit 1-
Not sex and not glamorous
The House of Sass has been under a severe financial crunch of late. Ok, Ok, fine, that's complete crap. We've been in a fucking financial catastrophe and it has robbed me of my sanity, my smile, my sleep and my sassitude. In short, I have been in a very dark bad place.
I won't be shitting rainbows but things will get better soon. I had to burn my pride at the stake and go to my parents for a loan. They generously agreed to help. They assured me that I'm not a failure and that the economy is telling everyone to grab their ankles in one form or another. Things are still going to be tight but I will at least be making ends meet and I'm going to allow myself to be proud of that.



Exhibit 2-
About sex (sorta) but definitely not glamorous or hot.
No, definitely NOT HOT!
My parents came over for dinner last night and somehow the conversation went from hemorrhoids to anal sex. I had a conversation with my parents and my children at my dinner table, while eating cherry pie, about double dipping. Y'all are dying for an invitation to my house now, aren't you? While the talk was disturbing, my mother's facial expressions were down right horrifying. Every time a conversation comes up about things related to the arse, the bung hole, the sphincter, the crapper, my mom makes a face. It's a fish face. But, BUTT...
.
Please note the pen. I cannot cross my eyes without help and even then the results are rather sucktastic. That either means I'm brilliant or a complete fucking moron. I'm not sure which.







- - - - - - -

The Crapper Outtakes...

The Lazy Post That Still Might Make You Wet

I don't have time for a well thought out post today or tomorrow for that matter. I've also got some stuff rolling around in my head that I'm just not ready to talk about. I know you are disappointed and that makes me sad. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Hey, how about some super sexy hot sexyness? That totally makes you feel better right? Whether you are into boobs or bulging bicepts this has it all. Enjoy.



Damn I love this show. If you aren't watching it, why the hell not?

Days of Grace: 45

I'm going to make this short and sweet because I have precisely 4.7 minutes of free time to eat my lunch, pee and get a post up today. You all are of course a much higher priority than peeing.

It's Monday, Thank You Jesus and his second cousin Rufus. I haven't seen Buffett in over a week due to scheduling conflicts, children, sporting events and a minivacation. So tonight we'll be curling up on his couch and cheering on the Packers as they completely DESTROY Brett Farve. We might also be doing a few other things. Maybe.

To give you all a little Monday giggle (as opposed to a little slap and tickle), I did have the opportunity to pee earlier this morning before all hell broke loose in my office but it was complicated. Typically you undo a belt, unbutton, unzip and drop 'em. Mine didn't drop and I was quite confused. UNTIL I remembered that I'm wearing suspenders today under my jacket. Yeah, shaddup. Work might just be destroying the few brain cells I have left. Paying the bills is a good thing. Gray matter oozing out of my ear because OMGWhyWon'tMahPantsFallDown is probably bad.

OK OK OK, my Grace Moment happened yesterday evening. All day long I could not figure out why my jeans were fitting weird. They weren't too tight. They weren't too big. They were just fitting oddly. Cupping more in the butt and less in the waist. When I took them off I noticed the tag. They were Thing1's jeans. I fit my ass into the jeans of my skinny as a bean pole 13 year old son! I have been feeling so good about myself, my body and my health lately but little reinforcements like this are like great big cotton candy kisses from midget wrestlers. In other words, if fucking rocked!

Midget 'fro, it's hawt y'all.

Lazy Friday

Because it's Friday and so cold in my office that my fingers are numb (No, that is not a figure of speech or an exaggeration. They really are numb) I'm going to be lazy and steal a MeMe from Kristen at All In A Mom's Life. I found her via Stacie and let me just say Yowza! She is Fab. And she's got an Eden's Fantasies give away going on that you could check into. But only do that if you want me to sneak into your bedroom and murder you in your sleep. You are my competition. Step away from the contest and no one gets hurt. (Just kidding... Sort of... Only not really.)

Anyway, back to the lazy...

There were no instructions from Kristen so I'll just go with what I remember from the last time I did one of these damn things.

Answer each question with ONLY ONE WORD. You can elaborate or explain an answer only if asked.

1. Where is your cell phone? elbow
2. Your hair? Up
3. Your mother? Brave
4. Your father? Field
5. Your favorite food? Spicy
6. Your dream last night? Hot
7. Your favorite drink? Jack
8. Your dream/goal? Stable
9. What room are you in? Office
10. Your hobby? Procrastinating
11. Your fear? Unwanted
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Settled
13. Where were you last night? Table
14. Something that you aren’t? Ambivalent
15. Muffins? Occasionally.
16. Wish list item? Wardrobe
17. Where did you grow up? Sun
18. Last thing you did? Email
19. What are you wearing? Scarf
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? Sons
22. Friends? Awesome
23. Your life? Changing
24. Your mood? Nervous
25. Missing someone? Margaritaville
26. Vehicle? Yes
27. Something you’re not wearing? Parka
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? AM
31. Last time you cried? Lunch
32. Your best friend? True
33. One place that I go to over and over? Head
34. One person who emails me regularly? Photog
35. Favorite place to eat? Kitchen

I tag all of you. What's your word?

Days of Grace 44: Thing2

My dearest Thing2

It has been such a good year. You are at that perfect age, that blissful sweet spot somewhere between uncontrollable child and asshole teenager. I want to soak in your energy and exuberance. I want to wrap up your innocense and protect it with my last breath. You make me laugh so hard my sides ache. You bring me more joy than I ever knew was possible.

When people ask me about you I still struggle to find the words. Without writing a book with pages and pages of quotes, stories and pictures, nothing seems adequate. You refuse to be put in a box that defines you. You are so incredibly smart but absolutely love to speak with atrocious grammar just to watch me twitch. You torment the ever loving hell out of your brother but truthfully want nothing more than to just hang out with him. You are a fierce competitor and the most generous and giving human being I have ever known. Still filled with childlike wonder over silly little things and yet wanting to be older and cool; I'm watching you shift and change before my eyes. I love to see you grapple with big issues and put them into perspective, to swallow the deeper meanings of people's actions and come back with a mature, adult understanding. I love to listen to you disolve into gleeful giggles over a fart joke. Pride doesn't even begin to encompass the huge emotion that tries to burst from my chest when I think of you.

Happy 12th Birthday Thing2! My baby, my little man, My Sunshine.

What the hell Sassy? It's Friday. Lighten the fuck up!

OK, so my last post was a bit mushy and introspective-y and annoying-y.

Let me redeem myself with THIS.
Thank you SneezeMan.
It will make you laugh. I promise.

And if you are a mother of boys it will make you laugh uncomfortably because OMG, SO TRUE!!!! Or your son is still very young and you should be laughing uncomfortably because I swear to GI Joe, your time is coming my friend and just you wait! The amazing ability for my sons to completely boggle my mind and gross me the hell out is astounding.